Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
i now understand why vodka
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
