I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I AM VODKA MAN
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
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