The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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