How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
