trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize