I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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