I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
