i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
