i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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