Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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