John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
