Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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