I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
