i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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