you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
