Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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