rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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