I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
