It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
