if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
