We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
