I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
