my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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