So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
