I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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