Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
