Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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