I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
