guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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