He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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