Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
