respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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