hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
