i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
