the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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