I hate your face
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
