I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
