Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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