why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My feet surprised me
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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