I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
