My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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