My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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