I must be too annoying 4 u.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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