id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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