Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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