Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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