i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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