if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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