yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
