I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
