i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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