I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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