I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize