don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
