she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize