I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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