I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
