You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
is that a dick in a sweater?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
