Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
